24 hour 180º

Deep into the last half hour of Star Wars: Episode III – Revenge of the Sith I was fighting a mighty battle with an insidious melancholic train of thought, eschewing it to the back of the back of my mind, as I pushed harder to focus on the movie. None of us spoke during, we just held hands, lightly caressing each other’s sweaty palms, until you closed your hand tightly, allerting me there was a great scene coming up, but I confess I had lost the battle and hopped on the train.

It started during the previous movie. Anakin stood in front of the Jedi Council and Yoda saw through him that he was filled with fear, which later on made him vulnerable to the Dark Side of the Force. With that Yoda explains further on Fear leads to anger. Anger leads to hate. Hate leads to suffering, and advised Train yourself to let go of everything you fear to lose. Damn that Yoda! I was enjoying finally having a moment only for ourselves, watching and learning about your favourite sequel, I was glued to the screen with enthusiasm, until that peevish booger threw me off the space odyssey wagon onto an utterly uncomfortable box of sharp question marks. It was right there, directly from the speakers to my ears, what I had been avoiding meditating on, thinking about, why I was jumpy to the tought of being away from you. The truth is, we have been away for a while now. For as much as we want to sugar coat it, the last three months were, in reality, 6 days, the sixth being the last one, when I said goodbye at the bus stop and watched it take you home. There’s a gap fundamentally unspoken here, you get to go home and I get to mend myself for a couple days until I can focus on something else, misplaced in a house with a profound lack of familiar warmth.

After Master Yoda’s quaint observation I delved into it concerning our situation, whilst trying to, at least, understand what was happening in the movie. So, Anakin burned, Amidala gave birth, Lord Vader was created, I had been afraid of moving far away from you and was worried about the costs of my absence,  about the distance, the constant longing, the wistful thinking, the fear of losing you to the distance. You see, miracles in my life happened by you. I don’t matter.

I joined you for lunch, which was left unattended ‘till late that day, before the movie marathon, followed by the short in time yet rich in intensity night which rendered a mellow morning with it’s contractual hour of bleak bliss, denial and love making. We watched The Force Awakens and we didn’t spoil the leading moments to your departure speaking about the distance. Later that night I watched Fellini’s Satyricon, chewing my tongue in distress for not having heard word from you since…

I pray I can learn to let go, but not so much you won’t know how much you’re cared after, for your staying found with me is your personal freedom and my mission.

 

GJ